July 24 marks BDSM Day – a day to celebrate pain and power dynamics safely and pleasurably. Maybe you've thought about BDSM, but you're not where to start. An article in the Journal of Sexual Health and Medicine found that 26% of respondents said they were interested in BDSM. So whether you're into roleplay, spanking, hair pulling, or sensation play, there's a whole wild world to explore. Here's how to get started:
What does BDSM mean?
BDSM stands for bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, sadism, and masochism. Here's a basic rundown of what this all means:
- Bondage/discipline. Bondage refers to someone being physically restrained. Discipline refers to rules and punishment, usually enforced by the dominant partner on the submissive.
- Submission/dominance. Sub/dom play is when one person, the sub (or bottom), permits the dom (or top) to be in charge. Tops are the doers, and bottoms are the people things are done to. This may be an agreement you make for one session of play or a 24/7 arrangement. There are also "switches," which can be either a top or bottom, dominant or submissive.
- Sadism/masochism. Sadism is the enjoyment of inflicting physical pain and humiliation. Masochism is the sexual gratification of receiving pain. If you like both? Well, that's what we call a sadomasochist.
Know Your Boundaries
Navigating sexual boundaries can be tricky. Sometimes it's hard to figure out what your sexual boundaries are, much less enforce them. You may not even know you have a limit until it's been crossed. One easy way to explore boundaries is to start with a "Yes, No, Maybe" exercise to ensure everyone is on the same page before a scene. (A BSDM scene is a pre-planned space where BDSM activities take place. Generally, the scene is discussed thoroughly and consists of an agreed-upon beginning, middle, and end.) Bex, the host of the weekly podcast, The Dildorks, has one of my favorite checklists. The key is to communicate, communicate, communicate.
Consent is Necessary
The Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines "consent" as "to give assent or approval." In simple terms, consent is clear, voluntary, and enthusiastic. It must be informed, meaning that someone being asked for their consent understands everything they're being asked to consent to. Consent is an agreement to be sexual with someone; sex without consent isn't sexy – it's assault.
Stay Safe
All the same rules about safe sex still apply while indulging in any shade of BDSM but bringing bondage into the mix adds another layer of caution. Safe words, signals, and safety precautions are an absolute must. Slutty Girl Problems has a good primer on BDSM safety.
Learn More
- Check out 101 Kinky Things Even You Can Do by Kate Sloan. Whether you're a seasoned kinkster or a curious pleasure-seeker, Kate Slon makes kink accessible in this gorgeously illustrated book.
- Or, The New Topping Book by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy Tens does a great job of teaching the ethical and emotional basics of BDSM.
- Listen to American Sex Podcast with Sunny Megatron and Ken Melvoin-Berg.
- FetLife, munches, and play parties are also great entry points to the kink world.
